So I asked her about it.
There was no gray area, no in between, Gay, 48, writes in the book.
You could choose Hollywood, but youd have to give up heaven.
You cant have both.
With cameras in my face, my hand would be forced in one direction or the other.
What surprised you most while you were looking back at your life through this book?
So it just feels like a celebration.
There you were, like the ruby red slippers.
I had the power all along.
You wrote, The capacity to shut off an entire part of yourself is a terrifying thing.
Even more thrilling and terrifying is the capacity to do it well.
Theres no way to fix it.
Theres no way to make it make sense.
And theres no way to feel accepted in that environment.
It is us turning off everything that makes us feel alive for fit in.
How did you decide to really go there?
Whatever my inner voice is telling me is from the devil.
Of course its from God, because its so weird.
What human could make this up?
And the fact that we were so into it?
I distinctly remember when I went through the temple before my mission.
I had gone through the Sunday School class called Temple Prep.
I had sat down with my parents the night before.
We go in knowing nothing, and then we leave, never speaking of them again.
And you have to go through the temple first before going on a mission or getting married.
So if you dont go through with it, then it affects all those really major, public milestones.
Youre not going to say No, thisdeath oathis too much, Im going to opt out now.
I feel like the gravity of that is something readers without a connection to Mormonism wont fully grasp.
And yet, here I go talking about the secrets.
And so that alone is an alarm bell that theres stuff in here that isnt good.
And now theyre in a book by a Housewife.
Thats far-reaching, so its terrifying.
Yet you did it.
Whats going to happen?
What are your parents going to do if they see me?
Are they going to spit on me?
Are they going to turn the other way?
You know what I mean?
When I left the church, I moved to New York.
How have you coped with that?
I’m surrounded by it.
Salt Lake City has given me this second chapter in my life, so its like the poisoned well.
And my identity is so wrapped up in it.
They cant pull it away from us: our childhoods, our families, our history.
Weve already given up so much of our identity.
Dont make us give up all of our memories too, because were both.
We grew up that way and we became who we are today.
Youre a bad Mormon, man, just like me.
Yet, here you are, being blessed with all this worldly success.
Youve arguably become one of the most famous people at the moment to be associated with Utah and Mormonism.
How do you grapple with that dichotomy?
And so in this community, what Im accomplishing has no value.
No one acknowledges it.
No one talks about it.
Its like the elephant in the room.
They ask me, How are you keeping busy?
I wrote a book.
Im going on tour.
But I just have to play along.
That mind game, it doesnt leave you, but I know how to dance around it.
And its like, I think she got the memo already!
But it never leaves.
It was July, but she grabbed a turtleneck from the coat closet and put it on.
And I feel that internally.
It feels like the second chapter, the second adolescence.
And Im making poor choices and good choices.
Im trying to lift myself out of the shame spiral, but its an ongoing process.
I am grateful thatHousewivesgave me the opportunity to explore it because I had no palatable future.
[Laughs]So I just hope thatHousewiveswill continue to hold me accountable to this new person Im becoming.
And what greater way to do it?
How well did you really know each other in college?
Would you have categorized yourself as friends?
Her very best friend helped me do that.
So we were always peripheral, whether she was aware of it or not.
We didnt know each other well enough to have any receipts, and thats probably all that matters.
The dynamics within the cast really changed significantly this year.
I think were moving in different directions, and I just dont see a way forward right now.
I dont think she does either.
Do you see any world in which you and Lisa can form a real genuine friendship?
Didn’t Jasmine sing it best?
[Singing]A whole new world… Of course.
I’m a girl who never thought in a million years that I’d be onHousewivesand write a book.
I mean, people change every day, and I’m changing every day.
And she’s always going to be the same, so…[Laughs]But I have hope.
What would you need from Whitney at this point forBad Weatherto be back in the forecast in the future?
I would need to see her be authentic in a television space.
But I think being off camera would probably be safer waters.
Its the circumstances that have created the distrust, and those circumstances arent changing if were both filming.
Theres a lot of me that thought I dont want any conflict.
Fans will see you, and Whitney, next on the third season ofThe Real HousewivesUltimate Girls Trip.
What can you say about your experience on that trip?
I formed a lot of new friendships.
And I think its going to be a great show.
This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
