Friendship Reboot
The financial friendship drift in your late 20s is real.
Two summers ago, Zenas college friends organized a weekend trip to the Hamptons.
Everybody jumped on board without any question of what it would cost, she says.
And it didnt seem to cross anyone elses mind.
The week of the trip, the Venmo requests started rolling in.
The price of the Airbnb alone was more than $700 per personand that didnt include transportation or food.
I said, Im so sorry, but I cant do this.
Had I known it was going to cost this much, I wouldnt have signed up.
She felt terrible, especially since pulling out of the plan would increase shared expenses for everyone else.
But then her friends made her feel even worse.
The response was Well, you knew in advance that we were going to do this trip.
Couldnt you have saved or budgeted?
They couldnt conceive of the fact that I couldnt just find the money somewhere.
For Zena, now 27, the moment was pivotal.
Thats just so far from my reality that its hard to engage in those conversations, she says.
If I met these people today, I dont think I would pursue them as friends.
At 28, I remember being baffled when my close friend Jordan got pregnant (on purpose!
), quit her job, and bought a house upstate with her partner.
Conversely, Livvy is finally starting to feel financially stable and wants to enjoy it.
My partner and I are not interested in having kids right now, if ever.
Still, she misses the friends who are choosing another path.
Astrid, also 30, is one of these newly minted homeowners.
Shes thrilled, but sharing the news with friends has been tricky.
Its a hard line to walk, because I understand why this feels unfair to them.
But Im also like, Why cant we be excited?
At the same time, she knows what its like to feel resentful of those who have more.
It definitely stung, she says.
A friend asked us when we were having a housewarming party, Astrid says.
We were like, We cant really afford to throw a party right now.
It feels wrong to ask our friends to bring us anything.
When financial differences create a rift, is it possible to save the friendship?
Byock says yes, but it takes some major self-awareness.
Everyone has baggage around money everyone.
Of course, sometimes financial differences are just another reason that people grow apart.
We still have plenty in common, but were not as close as we once were.
Its like theyve lost interest in being playful and walking around and exploring.
I get the sense that they consider that childish.
Then theres the awkward dynamic of pity.
I felt like I was a charity case.
Their immediate assumption was Do you should probably borrow money?
And I was like, No!
I need emotional support from people who understand how scary this is!
Zena is uncomfortable with her friends apparent assumption that she wishes she was in their financial position.
Just because I dont have it doesnt mean that thats all I want, she says.
Sometimes theyre like, Oh, well, have you looked at other jobs?
And I dont want another job.
Im OK with where I am.
I can afford my life, and I like it.
This article was originally published onOct.
