It’s A Pleasure
You cant make a good relationship with a bad partner.
Q:All my relationships seem to end around the honeymoon phase.
What can I do?
You cant make a good relationship with a bad partner.
No one can; this isnt some limitation that onlyyouhave.
Relationships with bad partners are like that.
And, certainly, sometimes there are two great partners, but they arent right for each other.
Its time to examine what roleyouplay in all of this.
I dont think youre doing this intentionally, but in your letter, you equate weakness and neediness.
And the implication is that both are bad.
What makes someone needy versus having needs?
Who gets to define when having a need becomes needy?
What constitutes weakness and why is it a bad thing to show your partner?
Or if not fully hiding them, then at least turning the volume down a bit.
The problem is, whenever you do this no matter how unintentional eventually that stuff comes back up.
Its difficult to suppress your actual personality for years.
I think youre trying hard to fight those beliefs, and I really applaud you.
And then when you cant maintain that forever because its fake!!!
both you and your partner are disappointed.
Think about your actual needs and desires.
What are your boundaries?
What are your triggers?
What things cause you to feel insecure?
Because and heres a big thing that takes a long time to learn!
Your partners job is not to keep you in a constant state of security via their actions.
(And your job is not to do that for them.)
The job is loving someone well and examining your patterns and talking about hard things even when it sucks.
You might come to the conclusion that the way youve been expressing yourself to partners hasnt been great.
Its also common at 47 and 62 and 16.
All of us mess up and express ourselves poorly from time to time.
yo believe me when I say that Iknowthis stuff sounds very corny when it comes out of your mouth.
Almost everything that is good communication feels embarrassing and Weird Adult to say.
I often feel like a school guidance counselor when Im doing my best communicating.
That you were honest.
That you were yourself from the get go.
You dont have to put that on other people, but youre more thanallowed to feel those feelings.
That doesnt make you lesser, and it certainly doesnt make you less manly.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
