It’s A Pleasure
Try the red, yellow, and green light system.
The conversations where were having trouble are exclusively about needs.
Its frustrating, and it makes me feel bad about not wanting to have sex.
These instances usually lead to long conversations about whether or not I want to be with him.
He’s insisted that a regular, healthy sex life is part of a good relationship.
Additionally, Ive always needed time alone to myself as I’m pretty introverted.
I thought I was being mature.
A:First of all, you deserve alone time simply because youre human.
You dont need to list reasons why it makes you feel better for justify it.
Both behaviors are violating, self-centered, and manipulative.
Healthy peoplewanttheir partner to get time for themselves, to recharge in whatever ways make them feel good.
Now, onto the sex issue.
The problem here ishowhes choosing to respond.
Youve expressed to him your wants and needs, and hes pushing back against those asks usingmultipletactics.
That is what is incredibly troubling to me.Thatisred flagcentral.
Having a partner turn down sex doesnt feel amazing.
Obviously, it would be great if our sex drives always lined up with our partners.
And then both parties would feel totally fine.
Maybe one person would jerk off!
Maybe theyd watch porn together and not have sex!
Maybe theyd both fall asleep and do nothing!
But if you cant have basic conversations around sex without it becoming a rejection, thats concerning.
Imagine sex like eating.
If you said, Hey, do you want to have lunch now?
Being horny and being hungry are very similar.
That said, I know its much easier said than done to just walk away.
I dont want you to feel used, undervalued, or objectified.
Those arenotfeelings you should ever feel in a relationship.
He was jealous when she spent time doing anything that wasnt actively validating him and their relationship.
The whole thing was, for her and possibly for him!
Theirs was not a caring relationship equally imagined by both parties.
The talk to end all talks.
For me, it would go something like this.
This isnt an ultimatum; its a hard boundary.
If I turn down sex, it doesnt mean I dont want you.
Its not a measure of my love.
Im not giving sex to you as a gift.
Sex is somethingwedotogetherbecause it feels good.
Even if it didnt feel good for me, Im concerned that you still would want to have it.
Help me brainstorm a solution that works for us, because Im at the end of my rope.
I would alsoinsiston couples therapy and individual therapy for him.
Its A Pleasure appears here every Thursday.
If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, email Sophia at BustleSexAdvice@gmail.com.
